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Fake Holy Water Purveyor

he sold vials of fake holy water to vampire hunters for $57/bottle...

...figuring those who spent $57 on a twee vial of water could afford to be taken advantage of...

...also figuring that those who used it and lived didn't really need it and those who used it and died couldn't sue him...

because, you know, he was selling the "holy water" to vampire hunters...

...and if the vampire hunter used the fake holy water against a vampire she was chasing and lived then it wasn't a real vampire she was chasing...

...and if the vampire hunter used the fake holy water against a real vampire then she would most assuredly die and not be able to sue him ...

...although the now deceased vampire hunter could, potentially, come back as an undead ex-vampire hunter and kill him for selling the fake holy water...

...and then, since he sold fake holy water, he wouldn't be able to protect himself against the undead ex- vampire hunter/customer...

...which would, you know, suck (both literally and figuratively) for him....

...so why, might you ask, didn't he just go legit in the vampire hunter holy water world and sell real holy water to vampire hunters in the 1st place...

...to which he would respond, "yo!" (because that's how he spoke) "have you seen the mad prices dem priests are charging t' bless da h2o"...

...and then perhaps, after hearing his silly way of speaking, you wouldn't feel so bad about him being killed by an undead ex-vampire hunter/customer...

...while at the same time hoping that the ex- vampire hunter/customer would finish him off and not, instead, make him a vampire as well...

...because really, who wants to hear a vampire saying things like, "i gots da mad undead skillz, yo!" while being being drained of blood ...

...honestly, just kill me please, ex-purveyor-of-fake-holy-water, and save me the bad gangster wannabe lingo...

...to which the undead ex-purveyor-of-fake-holy-water vampire would respond, "what da hell is 'ingo yo? is dat da thing dat ate dat baby?"...

...and then you'd be stuck explaining what 'lingo' meant to a vampire with the IQ of a jellyfish...

...and by the time you were done explaining it to him you'd really want the eternal embrace of death because he was that annoying...

...but then he wouldn't kill you, but rather make you into one of his vampire bros...

...and you'd be stuck with him for all eternity, hearing him say things like, "dag yo! playa had some mad blood up in dem veins!"...

...and, "this blood is all dat ana bag a chips!"...

...until one annoying day, annoyingly far in the annoying future, you'd realize that you simply couldn't deal with him anymore and would contemplate suicide...

...but would initially despair because you were already dead - well, undead - and darned near immortal and thus pretty hard to kill, yo...

...and when you thought the word 'yo' you would redouble your efforts toward ending it all because you'd realize you were starting to speak like him...

...just as you were starting to drive the stake through your heart you'd be so perturbed that he'd live while you died...

...and then it hit you...

...you could end it all for yourself by killing him because he was your maker - every vampire he made would die if you killed him...

...you'd met many of the other vampires he'd made, they were just like him, saying "yo!" and "tru dat"...

...you'd be doing the world a favor...

...so that very night, with much glee and a light, non-beating heart, you'd stake the annoying undead ex-purveyor-of-fake-holy-water vampire...

...as he turned to dust in front of you he'd blink back a single blood tear and whisper, "bitchez!" with his last breath...

...which would make you feel bad for a moment until, from all around the world, your undead super hearing heard thousands of undead whisper, "bitchez!" before dying...

...then you'd wonder why you hadn't turned to dust with your maker and why you no longer craved blood or could turn into a vampire bat...

...you'd wander around for a while and then watch your 1st sunrise in over 100 years. you'd realize that god was pleased with your work...

...after the beautiful sunrise you'd slowly rise toward heaven and god would say to you, "mad propz on killing dat annoying vampire, yo!"