a nearly satisfactory hypermegaultraquantumcompumultiversalnet creation

My Life as a Big City Sandwich Board Wearing Doomsayer

It isn't as easy being a big city sandwich board wearing doomsayer as you might think, for instance, I have to keep coming up with new things to write on the sandwich board. A big city sandwich board wearing doomsayer can't get away with something as cliched as 'Repent! The End Is Near!' - that may play out in the sticks but up here in the big league your average big city type won't even bother breaking their stride to swing a kick your way with something as weak as that written on the sandwich board.

Although I do hope the end is near because I can't wait for all those kickers to get what's coming to them. And the spitters and the punchers and the pushers, too. The eternal fiery circles of hell are too good for the lot of 'em if you ask me. Oh yeah, and the harassing cops and the puddle-driver-througher cabbies, they're gonna burn too.

But don't worry, not everyone will burn in hell for all eternity. I'm pretty sure the people who give me food and money are going to heaven. Of course, I can't tell them that when I'm out on the street, I'm a doomsayer, not a, um, not-doomsayer after all. I mean, really, how would it look if I'm shouting fire and brimstone to the damned when some kindly soul gives me a few bucks and I, what, stop? Tell them that they're saved? Although, come to think of it, that's how some religions work. But, no, if you give me food or money I can't just stop yelling and tell you you're going to heaven, but rest assured, you are.

But getting back to the whole message thing, it's a fine line that I walk when making up a new message. On the one hand I can't write something as vague as 'Mean People Will Burn In Hell!' because then people'll think Hey, I'm not mean, so I won't burn in hell and we can't have that. On the other hand, I can't get too specific either, I mean, sure, 'Harry Sherman, You Will Burn In Hell!' sounds great at first, but, frankly, I'm in a bulk business, and while a sandwich board sign like that will freak out anybody named Harry Sherman, well, you get the idea.

Although, I did try a micro-payment scheme for awhile where anyone could, for a couple of bucks, have a personalized doomsayer message on my sandwich board, and, for another buck or two, have their picture taken with it. It was big among the tourists for awhile but it never really took off the way I wanted it to and after the dot-com crash it was so hard to get VC financing and, boy, did I need the VC money - expenses are crippling in the big city sandwich board wearing doomsayer business. I go through a lot of raingear and waterproof chalk, after all, it's not like people are going to stop being damned for all eternity because it's raining out - that'd just be silly.