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My Life as a Teenage Zombie Call Girl

Okay, okay, maybe not teenage exactly but I've always looked young for my age and since the years after you become a zombie don't count, well, you know how many clients pay extra for the 'teenage' in teenage zombie call girl? Anyway, that's what the math from the birth date on my driver's license says and I'm sticking to it.

As for the zombie call girl part - that's definitely true, and it's a pretty good gig if you can get it. With zombie call girls, johns don't have to worry about catching or transmitting diseases, and since so many of them are worried about privacy, and since we're already dead, they know we'll take their secrets to the grave.

Just a little zombie humor there...look, I said a was a teenage zombie call girl not a teenage zombie comedienne.

In case you're wondering, the trade for teenage zombie call girls is pretty good. Oh sure, you're thinking 'what about the smell' or 'do guys actually ask you for head,' right? As for the former, we teenage zombie call girls have our little secrets - every woman needs a little mystery in her life, and for the latter, well, no, johns don't actually ask us to do that, and can you blame them? But sometimes we ask them for a little head.

I kid! I kid.

Like I said, business is good, there are actually more necrophiliacs out there than you might think. Now now, don't judge, apart from the necrophilia thing they are just like you and me, well, like you anyway. They're just looking for a little love, a little tenderness, a little bing bang boom. Mostly they make an arrangement with the local morgue or funeral home and I end up lying quietly on the metal table with my eyes closed pretending to be dead - hah, pretending! - for a minute or two while they do their thing. They do their thing, pay me and leave. Pretty simple really. Well, except for the ones that actually want to use some of the mortician's equipment. I used to charge extra for that but some guy took my arm off once. Can you believe that? The guy literally cut my arm right off. Don't get me wrong, the guy did a really good job of it, by the cut you could tell he knew what to do with an electric hacksaw, but he chopped it right off! So I charged him triple and then ate his brains, the bastard.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to sew an arm back on with only one hand?

Anyway, when they don't use the equipment, it's a pretty safe business. The johns know what'll happen to them if they get too kinky, the cops don't mess with us because, while necrophilia with the dead may be illegal necrophilia with the undead is fairly new legal ground and there's no legal precedent yet. I don't have a pimp so I get to make my own hours and keep all the money I make.

What's that? You want to know about the 'zombie' part of teenage zombie call girl? That part's easy, there wasn't any more room in hell. Duh.