a nearly satisfactory hypermegaultraquantumcompumultiversalnet creation

The Gospel According To Matthew*: Chapter 1

1In the beginning was a persistent Humming, and the Humming was slightly out of tune and frankly a little louder than it needed to be but you could tell that there was an effort and love in the Humming, so that was okay. The Humming was He and He was the Humming, and He liked the Humming and said, "Gosh." 2He also liked the sound of 'gosh' and He named Himself so.

3Gosh Hummed while making all things and all things were made while He Hummed and all things that weren't made weren't made while He wasn't Humming. 4For He so liked Humming that without Humming He would make nothing.

5Gosh gazed upon all He had Hummed into existence and felt pride 6(but that was okay because the seven deadly sins did not apply to Him). 7He was so uplifted in spirit when He gazed upon His creation that He said, 8"By Golly." 9And He liked 'by golly' so much that He said it every time He was uplifted in spirit. 10Thus He named His spirit By Golly.

11He then looked down upon the humans on earth and thought they looked like they were having a lot of fun and thought He would partake of the fun. 12So He went down to earth but nobody would play with Him, 13for every time someone saw Him they would cry out in fear and fall onto their knees in awe. 14He stayed on earth for a while and waited for them to stop it but they didn't so He returned to heaven. 15He then tried going down to earth as By Golly but By Golly manifested as a burning bush and the humans kept dousing Him with water.

16He went back to heaven and thought to Himself, that wasn't fun. 17So He decided to go to earth as human, 18well, kind of human, 19you know, mostly human with a little divine, 20but definitely the divine was there, 21as was the human, 22did I mention the divine? 23Not that, being divine and all, He'd take advantage or anything, 24you know, like by cheating on a math test or something.



*Not that one.