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The Gospel According To Mathew*: Chapter 6

1On this Night of Nights it did happen that Daniel and Jeremiah, shepherds each, were to stay with their family's flock on the outskirts of Bethlehem 2when unto them an angel did appear with the great light of the Lord Gosh Almighty and His Heavenly Host singing His praise. 3The shepherds trembled and Jeremiah did faint.

4"Fear not!" said the angel.

5"Fear not!" sang the host, then hummed in the background.

6"For I, Bob the angel, bring to you tidings of great joy on this lonely night."

7"O' yes he do! O' yes he do! O' yes he do!" sang the host.

8"You humble shepherds shall be the first to witness the coming of our Lord and Savior, Golly Gee!" preached Bob.

9"Golly Gee! Has come for thee! O' Golly Gee!" sang the host.

10"You shall walk!"

11"Walk! Walk! Walk!"

12"Walk down that path!" sang Bob, pointing to a path at the shepherds feet.

13"Walk on down that path!"

14"You'll find your King, the one who'll bring, peace to the world."

15"Peace! Peace! Peace!"

16"He'll be down there!" said Bob, pointing to a distant Howard Johnson.

17"Right down there!"

18"Waiting for you!"

19"You! You! You! You!"

20"Go witness Him, for all the world, now go be true."

21"True! True! True!"

22"Great Golly Gee!" Bob and the Heavenly Host did sing over and over again, clapping their hands, as the Lord Gosh Almighty's light did shine all around them until they faded completely into the starlit night.

23Daniel did slap Jeremiah a multitude of times to try and wake him while staring open-mouthed at a piece of paper, illuminated by a single heavenly spotlight, that floated down from where Bob did disappear. The paper landed on Jeremiah with a ting, causing him to wake. 24Daniel grabbed the paper and read it to Jeremiah, "Bob and the Heavenly Hosts, every Tuesday, 9:30pm, The Heavenly Pub and Grille, Lighting by Gosh, No Cover."

25Daniel did drag Jeremiah with haste down the path to the orange-roofed inn and looked for the night manager to ask where a child was being born but could not call him no matter how many times he rang the front desk bell for service. He heard the sound of raised voices and followed them to the manger manager's room.

26"Is this where it is going to happen?" asked Daniel.

27"No." said Joseph. "The night manager kicked us out into the manger proper because he says his insurance won't cover a 'birthing incident' in the residence part of the hotel."

28The night manager gave Joseph a look and told him, "You can move back into the manger manager's suite after the kid is born," and then headed back to the front desk.

29"Come on you two, Daniel and Jeremiah, right? We've been expecting you. Follow me."

30As they walked around the back of the hotel to the manger, they heard cries of pain.

31"I'm not sure I'm ready for this." Jeremiah said, looking pale.

32"The King of Kings is going to be born in a manger?" asked Daniel. "An actual manger?"

33"Don't get me started," said Joseph. 34"Come on, He wants you to witness the birth of His Son. Actually, it's Him and His Son, but, well, it's just easier to think of Him as His Son."

35The three men entered the manger 36and Mary did turn and yell at Joseph, "You are never touching me again!" she said, panting for breath. "Ever!"

37Jeremiah did faint again as Joseph and Daniel backed away, 38"But honey, I didn't touch you this time!"

39"Don't get smart with me! Out!" she yelled, pointing at the door.

40"But hon-"

41"I said, 'Out!'"

42Joseph and Daniel grabbed Jeremiah and made with haste out the door.

43Mary watched them leave and then concentrated on pushing again. "The Lord Gosh Almighty gave me this child without me feeling anything, you'd think He'd let me give birth to the child without feeling anything either." And the midwife did nod her head in agreement of the silly ways of men, even those who were almighty and eternal.

44The three men waited outside with much hand wringing and worry until they heard the first cry of the newborn King of Kings. They all looked carefully around the doorframe and saw Mary smiling and holding baby Golly Gee. "Come see your son, Joseph."

45Jeremiah did manage to say, "But I thought it was actually the Lord-" before Daniel did slap him upside the head.

46Mary handed Joseph the child and he did beam with happiness and kissed his wife.

47"Hey," said Daniel, "I noticed you have the new Swaddling® baby clothes put out by the Romans. Very nice."

48The three men did make coochy coo noises and speak to Golly Gee with high voices while Mary fell asleep. 49Joseph held the baby and Mary's hand and the shepherds did lower their heads and shuffle their feet. "So," said Jeremiah, "We'll just head out and, um, let the world know about, uh-"

50"Come on Jeremiah, let's go and spread the good word." 51So Daniel and Jeremiah left and made known what they had seen concerning the Child and all that heard it wondered at that which was told them by the shepherds and what had become of the their flock.

52And the shepherds did return to the manger to find a large group of lookie-loos watching Golly Gee and Mary and Joseph, who were asleep, through the manger door 53and Daniel did say to Jeremiah, "Oops!"

54Then By Golly came down to Daniel as a turtle dove and perched on his shoulder and said, "If she births Him, they will come," and Daniel was inspired to form a line and charge a small and reasonable fee for people to see the family lying together peacefully in the manger.

55When the last person paid their money and left, Daniel and Jeremiah split the proceeds as instructed by the Bird, leaving 75% for Mary and Joseph and taking 25% and buying new sheep, for their old ones had walked away during the night never to be seen again, 56although there were legends thereafter amongst the tens of thousands of flocks of sheep that out there, somewhere. was a single flock that had dared break the bonds of tyranny and oppression and roamed free, hither and yon, and would one day return to set all sheep-kind free. 57But this never came to pass.

*Not that one.