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The Gospel According To Matthew*: Chapter 7

1The morning after the birth of Golly Gee, three wise men from the East came to Jerusalem and asked King Herod, "Where is the newborn King of Kings? We saw His star from the East and have come to worship Him."

2And Gosh, looking down from the heavens, did slap His forehead. 3"These are wise men?" He thought to Himself.

4Herod looked at the wise men for a long while and then said, "Let me get this straight. You're telling me that you came all the way over here, into my kingdom, to worship a king who isn't me, but who is in fact an innocent - and extremely defenseless - newborn infant?"

5"Hail to the King Baby," said the wise men.

6"These are wise men?" He thought to himself.

7Herod looked at his scribes and asked why he had not been informed of a newborn baby king. He then asked his astronomers why they had not thought to mention the portentous star. Finally, he asked his chief priests where the newborn baby king was to be born. 8There was much stammering and bickering amongst his court until Herod did declare that he had had enough. "I shall create a new, official entity named the Department of Homeland Sovereignty. You shall each - scribe, astronomer, and priest - report to the head of the DHS who shall, forthwith, tell me when a new king has arrived in my kingdom!"

9Herod then spoke to the three wise men, "As you can see, this is news to us. I would greatly like to meet this newborn king. Please continue to follow the star and let me know where you find him."

10"Now," Herod continued, "when you leave make sure to give the DHS any liquids in excess of three ounces that you might be carrying on your person. Have a pleasant trip."

11The wise men, miffed at the loss of good bottles of wine and a revolutionary new hair gel which enhanced gloss while providing essential oils that soothed and rejuvenated dry, sand-filled hair, did continue on their journey, following the star until they came to the manger manager's room at the Bethlehem HoJo. 12There and then the star disappeared, but not before leaving them a flyer for Bob and the Heavenly Hosts, 13for lo, even angels can be annoyingly self-promotional.

14"You think this is the place?" asked one of the wise men. 15And the other two did shrug, unsure.

16"These are the wise men?" Thought Bob the angel while ascending into heaven.

17The three wise men did figure it out and presented themselves to Mary and Joseph and Golly Gee and gave them treasures of gold, frankincense and myrrh. 18The gold was used to start a college fund for Golly Gee, 19the frankincense was smoked with great joy and mellowness, 20and the myrrh was put on a high shelf in the back of a closet, to be forgotten for all time, as no one knew what it actually was.

21And lo, a "reddish-brown resinous material from a tree" does not count.

22The wise men then left by a different route as they didn't want to lose any more good stuff to Herod. 23They did mock Herod calling him "Hair-rid" because of his male-pattern baldness and "Hare-rid" for his deep, abiding hatred of fluffy, white bunny rabbits. 24Herod, upon learning of the wise mens' mockery, was exceeding wroth and slew all white, fluffy bunnies under the age of two in the town of Bethlehem and surrounding coastal areas but then got over it by looking at his treasure rooms chock-full of gold and precious gems. 25He also tried the revolutionary new hair gel, and behold, it did make his hair softer and more manageable while promoting new growth.



*Not that one.