a nearly satisfactory hypermegaultraquantumcompumultiversalnet creation

The Gospel According To Matthew*: Chapter 8

1And it came to pass that the Son, Golly Gee, who had descended from heaven as the Holy Spirit By Golly, the Lord Gosh Almighty Himself, creator of all that was explicable and inexplicable, did make poopy in His pants.

2"Holy shit!" Joseph exclaimed, looking over Mary's shoulder.

3"It most certainly is," she replied.

4"But holy sh-"

5"And then," interrupted Mary, "you pin it here and here. That’s all there is to it."

6"But holy shi-"

7"I’ll watch you do it the first few times and then we’ll both be able to change Him."

8"But it was so green9and runny10and…and that smell! What was that smell? 11If I didn’t know who He was I’d swear it was diabolical!" Joseph did proclaim, unable to take his eyes off Him.


13"We don’t even feed him anything green!"


15"And as soon as you took off the soiled diaper the stream of uri-"


17"It arced so high! Where does it all come from?"

18Mary grabbed Joseph’s face with both hands and looked him in the eye. 19"Honey, everything is going to be all right. I promise."

20"Really?" Joseph asked, looking away from Him.

21"This is what babies do."

22"But the smell!"


24"And the green!"

25"Yes. Think of it like this, 26all babies are like little gods anyway – they both create very much from very little, they both demand much in time and effort, and they both throw the occasional temper tantrum for no reason. He just happens to be an actual god."

27Golly Gee lay on the table, gurgling at them.

28Joseph pulled her hands away from his face. "I really wish you had washed your hands before touching me."

29"Get used to it," Mary replied.

30"What? Why?"

31"He did it again. He needs another changing. 32Your turn, sweetheart."

33Golly Gee grabbed His feet with His hands and did giggle.

*Not that one.