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The Gospel According To Matthew*: Chapter 9

1When He was twelve years old, they went up to Jerusalem after the custom of the feast.

2On their way back to Nazareth, Mary and Joseph were, well, 3frankly, 4a bit hungover and too stuffed full of good food to keep their eyes open.

5As they snored on their asses, Golly Gee tarried behind them, then turned back to Jerusalem.

6For He could be sneaky.

7When Mary and Joseph could not find Him among their kinsfolk and acquaintances, they turned back to Jerusalem, seeking Him.

8And it came to pass, that after three days they found Him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the doctors, both hearing them, and asking them questions.

9And all that heard Him were astonished at His understanding and answers.

10Well, almost everyone. 11"Three days!" Mary yelled, grabbing Him by the ear. "Three days!"

12"Mom!" Said Golly Gee, Lord Gosh of Heaven above, Earth below, and Hell even belower. 13"That hurts!"

14"You're gonna get such a whuppin'!" said Joseph. "Go cut me a switch."

15"You were supposed to be amazed when you saw me," He said. "Like everyone else here!"

16"We are not 'everyone else here,'" said Joseph. 17"We're your parents and we have sought you with sorrow in our hearts for-"

18"Three days!" yelled Mary again.

19"And how is it that you sought me? Did you not know that I would be about my Father's business?" Asked Golly Gee.

20And they understood not the saying which he spake unto them.

21"Your father's work, huh?" said Mary, finally letting go of His ear. 22"The only father you need to be worried about these days is Joseph."

23"Madam, I assure you," said one of the doctors, holding his head high and looking down his nose at her, "he has been perfectly safe here with us telling us all wondrous tales of minute entities that infect blood-"

24And verily the doctor did stop when he saw the look upon Mary's face.

25"And don't give us that 'wondrous tales' bull pucky," Joseph said, turning toward the doctor. 26"This is the Lord Gosh, By Golly, Golly Gee. Of course he knows stuff you don't. He's omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent."

27"We're going home," said Mary, giving Golly Gee a look when he was about to complain. "Now!"

28"Yes, mother," said Golly Gee. And in saying this He increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with Lord Gosh, His parents, and man.

29And He went down with them, and came to Nazareth, and was subject unto them: but His parents kept all these sayings in their heart.



*Not that one.