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Wall-e {B}

I finally got around to watching Wall-e and, well, boy howdy. A bunch of humans ruin Earth, leave the planet to travel the galaxy in a big spaceship, stay away for hundreds of years while dreaming of one day returning to their home planet and when they finally do get back decide to give up all their groovy technology to live a simpler life.

Sorry, that was Battlestar Galactica.

Wall-e is different in that it tells the above story from the point of view of one of the cylons who were built to look like Number 5 from Short Circuit.

Wall-e is just a simple worker bot with big dreams and a bigger imagination who dutifully fulfills his directive of cleaning up the trashed planet Earth with his plucky and well-trained pet cockroach as his only companion until he encounters a mysterious, fancy robot named EVE who he falls in love with and pursues with a single-mindedness and selfishness that involves ruining paradise for every single human being left in the universe.

You see, when humans originally left their horribly polluted Earth behind they did so in the Axiom, an interstellar spaceship on which they could live in complete comfort while traveling through the galaxy at, if they so desired, faster-than-light speeds while social-networking their day away riding hover chairs with free (and limitless) food and drink served by robots who also just happened to take care of every mundane and unfun detail aboard the ship.

The repercussions for humans in this utopia? Obesity. The humans on the ship had had it so easy for so many generations – no worries about shelter or work or money or health care – that they'd all become immensely obese. Although, is being obese that big a price to pay for having absolutely everything you could ever want handed to you? By a robot? In space? While sitting in a hover chair? A friggin' hover chair!

Human paradise lasts for centuries until cylon Wall-e follows his honeybot back to the Axiom after having given her proof that, when protected by 5 feet of metallic garbage from the vast sand and dust storms swirling around skyscrapers of garbage resembling the Manhattan skyline (built by Wall-e, see, he’s artistic), a single sickly bean plant can survive on Earth.

When the humans learn about this little bitty sickly plant they decide to rebel against their evil robot overlords who had done nothing but give them every single thing their enormous, cholesterol-filled, plaque-stained hearts could desire and head back to Earth where they abandon their amazing spaceship and presumably die of starvation weeks later after learning that they cannot, in fact, subsist solely on a single bean plant provided by a lovestruck robot.

Perhaps, instead of abandoning paradise to take back control of their lives, the humans could have just gone for the occasional swim (yes, the Axiom had a pool and, presumably, other fitness facilities), gone for an actual walk to look at the beautiful cosmos laid out before them, or, since they liked computers so much, maybe one of them could have remembered to bring a Wii Fit with them before they left Earth the first time around.